March 04, 2008

"Obscene" Poetry

Well, I didn't advance to the Finals of CBC's Poetry Face-Off, but at least I had a lot of fun. Even though the theme was the same (Heating Up) all of the poems were very different and they were all very good. Any one of them would have been deserving winners. (Congratulations to Laurel Parry, whose poem is progressing to the final round.) 

After I finished writing my poem, I wasn't sure if it was going to be acceptable, so I sent it in to the show's producer to find out. Let's just say that, depending on your state of mind, the poem can be a little... risque. The producer gave it the "green light" and that's the poem I decided to do.

I knew that I would be taking a big chance with it, but what's life without a few chances here and there?

As I read my poem, I looked around at the audience. A few people were a little uncomfortable and others were laughing their heads off and most were one the edge of their seats.  At least I got a rise out of them.  I looked at one of the judges out of the corner of my eye and he had a serious look on his face the whole time until near the end, when he burst out laughing.

Later on, one of the judges said that my poem was "frankly obscene" and that I had carried it off well. I don't know if he meant "obscene" in a good way or a bad way. Regardless, I don't think my poem is obscene - it's "almost obscene".  There's a big difference.

It's definitely one of those poems that's better heard than read, but here it is anyway.  You can judge for yourself.

The sky was crystal clear that night 'cause it was mighty cold.
We walked beneath the moon and stars and I was feeling bold.
I whispered in my darling's ear and poured on all my charm
"Let's go back home and get undressed. Then let's do something warm..."

She nodded in agreement through her ten protective layers,
and I looked towards the heavens and I said ten "thank-you" prayers.
The walk back home was really quick 'cause I was feelin' eager,
Finally, I would reach home base just like a major leaguer.

Back to her house and in the door, we stomped off all the snow.
I stripped down to my underwear and then my girl said, "Woah!
If you wanna get with me, hot stuff, you'll have to take it slow.
I'll tell you what I want, and how, so just go with the flow."

I was getting warm as she removed her hat and mitts.
I wanted her to get undressed - to see her gorgeous... bits.
I was feeling faint and floaty from the smell of her perfume.
She took me gently by the hand and pulled me to her room.
My passion was a-risin' in the way that passion grows.
My passion was a-risin' in the way that passion shows.

She stood there in her glory, and then started her requests.
"I want you and those big strong hands to come and grab my... bedspread.
I hate it when it's wrinkled. I like it looking new.
I always want it freshly made, just before I... brew
a cup of coffee or eat a snack real quick.
Now, come on over big boy, and let me see your... trick
'cause I like magic - if it isn't second rate.
Do you want to see me do my trick? I like to... figure skate."

I was burning up by then and felt my heart a-thumpin'
From on the bed, up on all fours she said, "Let's get to... jumpin'
on the mattress of my big four-poster bed.
And when we're done, I've got two legs that I would like to... bread.
Would you like some chicken, dear? I rather thought you would.
Now just be patient, Colonel, you'll be lickin' something good... "

I said, "Honey, please don't tease me. Why must you be so cruel?"
She grabbed a facial tissue and then wiped away my drool.

I was man on fire! And I could only squirm!
Oh, If we could just get on with it, I'd cover her with firm
little kisses from her toes up to her hands.
She stood there and she smiled and then continued her demands.

"Now put on this here cowboy hat and let me call you "Tex",
It's for a little game I like to play when I have... next
door neighbours over for a little bit of fun.
We like Twister. We like Jenga. And then when we are done
We play board games. We play card games. Could you help me find the joker?
I was thinking, if you're up for it, that we could play some poker."

She then removed her winter coat and then took off her sweater.
"I'm guessing poker's not your thing. Well, I've got something better."
She said, "I'm out of practice" and got down on her knees
and then put her hands together, as though she was saying please.
"It's been a while since I have prayed. I don't mean to be crass,
But once I went to church and then I did it in the mass."

I was feverish. I was sweating. Would the torture never cease?
I was about to overload and knew I needed some release!
Volcano hot! That's how I felt. Now I was really steamin'.
I needed to erupt - and not with lava but with... screamin'.
"Just take me, oh, just take me! I'll do anything you please!
Just take me, please just take me! Can't you see I'm on my knees?"

She smiled at me, so sweetly, like they do in Carolina.
"Do you really have an interest in inspecting my... bone China?"
"No!" I yelled, half-crazy, in a heated, frenzied fit.
"I see," she said and then came close to show me that she did.
"Now, what's that in your boxers? Does it require an inspection?
Let's take these off now...Oh, my word! Just look at that infection!"

And just like that, the scorching fires of passion fizzled out.
I wasn't getting lucky. I would have to do without.

Do you ever feel you're being toyed with by a higher power?
I hung my head and then went home...

...And had a loong, cold shower.


dogsled_stacie said...

I heard you on the radio - good job! I was a bit surprised by your poem, but thought it was more "risque" than obscene!

Meandering Michael said...

"Surprising" is a good word, too. I like that one.

Anonymous said...

It's kind of like Robert Service meets Austin Powers, with a hint of Lenny Bruce. I haven't read the other poems, but I'm assuming you were ROBBED!

Meandering Michael said...

You'll have to tap into your CBC connections to listen to the others (they were all recorded). After you've heard them, if you still think I was robbed, you can always file a complaint with Russ Knutson and The Afternoon Show!