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November 25, 2009

Your comedy. My tragedy.

It's an affliction I've suffered from my entire life. I've tried to overcome it time and time again but to no avail.

It has gotten to the point where, if I were to go to a job interview and someone were to ask me what my greatest weakness is, it would be this.

People laugh when I tell them. "It's all in your head!" they declare. Then they laugh some more.

It's embarrassing.

No, it's more that just embarrassing, it's a health issue.

I...


I...



I can't swallow pills.

I've tried! Believe me, I've tried! I can swallow big globs of food, but if there's a hard little pill in there, I can't make it go down. I've tried tucking it on the back of my tongue. I've tried washing it down with big gulps of water or juice. I've tried jam and applesauce and hiding it in my food. My tongue always finds it and stops it from going down.

A couple of days ago, I managed to succeed in my attempt to wash it back with water - only to have the pill come up and get stuck in my nasal cavity (like when you sneeze food out your nose). The attempt (and subsequent recoil) was accompanied by a spray of water out of my mouth and nose with much coughing and hacking. Jade looked petrified to see her father in such a state. Fawn laughed.

Today, I tried tucking the pill waaaaaaaay back on my tongue. It almost worked until my tongue recoiled in horror and brought the pill forward. The gag was so strong that I sprained my tongue.

Yes, I sprained my tongue trying to swallow a pill.

No, it's not funny.

It's not funny to me, anyway. Fawn laughed. She tried to hide it, but it was poorly concealed. When I pointed it out, she laughed even harder.

I shall try again. I will try again.


Stupid pills.

7 comments:

Carolyn said...

I'm trying not to laugh...really ;)
Smiles and giggles

hjmler said...

had a dog with that condition once... ground up all her meds and put 'em in a big heavy horse pill and stuffed 'em up the other end, suppository style... lived quite a few years after that, no problem.

Clare said...

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Um, sorry, not laughing at that pill thing. It's um, not funny. I was laughing at another blog. Yeah, another blog.

Sorry about the sprained tongue.

Scientific Chick said...

Ok, really, there's no need to go through this.

For capsules, just break them open and mix the liquid with juice.

For tablets, you can crush them and mix them in whatever (jam, juice, hamburger helper, anything).

It might taste foul, but it will only last for a second, and there will be no nose snorting of pills.

Also, can't stop laughing about the sprained tongue. For real?

Meandering Michael said...

For real. Alas, those are techniques that I have successfully employed in the past, but these particular capsules must be swallowed whole or they won't get to where they need to go.

fireweedroots said...

Your (sprained) tongue is as sensitive to foul items as was Thunders - one of my dogs in Canada. He would inhale anything placed in his bowl in less than a minute - except for green pees. One single pee mixed into a large quantity of dogfood and leftovers would invariably be left at the bottom of the bowl.
I do sympathize with you - but I can't stop laughing...

Marian said...

Fireweedroots......Our dog, Duke, was the same. We could give him roast beef, gravy, almost anything else and one pea (all leftovers of course!). He would eat everything else, even lick the gravy off the pea, but the pea would be left in the bowl.