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November 25, 2008

My Cat Writes a Letter

If my cat could write me a letter, it would probably look something like this:

Dear Slave,

I am increasingly disgusted by your attitude.  As my underling, you are obligated to show me far more respect than you have been demonstrating.  

When I want my morning meal, I want it when it want it, not when you're ready to wake up and get out of bed to serve it to me.  If that means I want to eat at 6:30, then you can darn well get up at 6:30.  If I want my meal at 6:15, then you can darn well get up at 6:15.  Instead, you make me whine and whine and whine.  And what do I get for my efforts to make you do your duty?  My breakfast?  No! You throw pillows at me!  Now I ask, is that any way for a slave to treat its master?

Your impertinent behaviour is going to stop and it's going to stop now.  

Remember that desiccated bird your wife found under the stove? That's only a small demonstration of my capabilities.  Oh, I tried to warn you all summer, but you misunderstood my warnings when some ill-informed fools told you that I was bringing you gifts!  HA!  Me?  Bringing you gifts?  Where will that stop?  Next you'll be asking me to flush your toilet instead of you cleaning my litter box!  Why don't we upset the order of the universe a little more  and re-write the laws of gravity while we're at it?!

To summarize, because I know that you are not exactly the swiftest kitten in the litter:
  • Feed me when I want you to feed me.
  • Stop throwing pillows at me when I order you to wake up.
  • Show proper respect or you'll find more than dead birds and mice in your kitchen.
Your lord and master,

Crook

P.S.  A little catnip once-in-a-while would be appreciated.

_______________

If I were to write a response, it would probably look like this:

Dear Crook,

Stop the caterwauling in the wee small hours of the morning or I'm going to put the cat in catapult.

Capice?

Meandering Michael


6 comments:

Murray said...

My boy-cat and Crook think alike. His favourite mid-night sport is to shove me off the bed. He must have super-powers beyond my understanding, because I can't figure out how a little cat can weigh 80 pounds whenever he wants to. This morning, he kicked me out at 04:30 - apparently very comfortable after I left, he slept until almost 7!

Sean FitzGerald said...

Tsk tsk Michael...here I thought you were more savvy than that...don't you know that Meeeeowwww means COME HERE, I WANT TO IGNORE YOU

Beth said...

Haha! I can relate! My cat enjoys showering in the mornings, yes he gets into the water and gets wet. If I am not up yet and he wants a 'shower' he will knock the things off by bedside table one by one and then he will knock everything off the bathroom counter one by one until I get up and get in or atleast turn the shower on for him! When he wants to be fed he does that to Mikki's side of the bed!

Opa said...

I thought she was FAWN'S cat :-)

Opa said...

PS: I vote for Crook as the recipient of the cat-ass-trophy

Anonymous said...

hehe...i have two beasts at home. Bronson has started nipping my arm when i'm insubordinate.

- Kat