Dearest Dogs in My Neighbourhood,
(the ones who are capable of reading, at least)
It pains me to write this letter, but I just don't know how else to express my concerns to you. You see, I went for a walk the other day and brought my daughter along in the sled. She is at an age now where she's trying to discover how the world works. It's the little things that she's interested in; the things that you and I take for granted - things like dragging her mitten-covered hand along the trail and then eating the snow off her mitten. Things like the contrast of your dark droppings against the white, white snow.
Fortunately, to my knowledge anyway, she has yet to drag her hand through any droppings, but I have seen her try to grab a few and it is getting difficult for me to manoeuvre the sled through what is now a veritable minefield of poop. Indeed, it is a poopfield.
Before I get to the blame throwing, however, I'd like to commend you. I can see that you're already doing a lot to make it easy for your human to clean up after you. After all, you're eliminating right in the middle of the trail! What could be easier to pick-up than that? You're certainly much more obliging than my dog, who insists that he go off the trail, in the deepest snow or in the tallest grass and, sometimes, on top of the prickliest shrub he can find.
Now, I'd like to say that it's not your fault that your human isn't picking up after you, but it is. They're your humans after all, and they're your responsibility. Even if you have to stoop so low as to act like Lassie or Benji and go to get a bag for them, you shouldn't let your human run around a play until he or she picks up after you. After a little while, your human will get the idea; they aren't very hard to train if you're willing to be patient.
This request isn't just for me and my daughter - it's also for your health. You see, while you might be healthy and happy, your neighbour might have worms and not even realise it. My next-door neighbour had worms, and he probably got it from another dog's feces. They way I heard it, he had to eat charcoal and wormwood until he was clean. He likes eating a lot of different things, but I don't think he was very fond of that diet.
I know that there are a lot of other things that you'd rather be doing, like chewing on old soup bones or drinking out of the toilet or licking your crotch, so I'd like to thank you for going out of your way to read this letter and I hope that you'll take a little more time to make sure that your human behaves properly.
Bark, bark, bark,